Scott was passed out, so I walked down that football field length hallway (I know 2 trips in less than 28 hours after a c-section, but I was determined!!) and much to my surprise, as I was walking into the NICU, my doctor was walking out. I thought to myself, I thought he only took care of me, why is he down here? Not that I minded, I was just surprised to learn that he had gone to see Evelyn. So we chatted in the hallway, he asked me how I was feeling and explained how important it is to him that he always see his patients baby before he sees them if they are separated so he has a picture of where the mom is emotionally. The entire pregnancy Dr. Gaitonde had been amazing, but this was just icing on the cake for me! Plus, it gave me an opportunity to share how emotional I was and how frustrated I was that my daughters oxygen level had increased by 20% but that they didn't find that significant enough to contact me. He said he understood and encouraged me to share my frustration with Evelyn's day nurse and ask her to contact me with any changes that happened. He also mentioned that Mrs. Bev was going to be a great nurse for Evelyn today! HE WAS RIGHT!
I met Mrs. Bev with my doctor by my side and told her my frustration and then asked to kangoroo with her, and she was so sweet in the way she basically said no. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she told me that it was important for the Neonatologist to check Evelyn out before she made that decision. She also checked to make sure she had the right phone number for me and assured me that she would contact me if anything changed and that the Neonatologist would be down to see me as soon as his assessment was over "this morning." I held Evelyn's hand watching her stomach move up and down really fast and also noticed the oxygen was now at 55%, I got a little emotional and she reassured me that Evelyn was going to be just fine and that she would take good care of her. So, I walked back to my room with my doctor by my side. He was able to explain some of what was happening and the good things he knew based on Evelyn's chart. As I got back in bed he stood at the end and reminded me of how thankful he was that I had called and immediately come in to the hospital on Wednesday night and he promised me that Evelyn was being better served in the NICU than she would have been inside of me and that she was going to be just fine with time. Once again, I'm so thankful for a doctor that cares about my family, not just his job!
So I rested and patiently waited for the Neonatologist. FINALLY around 11 he came in. He sat down and explained that Evelyn has a form of Premature Lung Diesese and that she is going to need a lot of support to help her lungs develop. He warned us that it was probably going to get worse over the next 48-72 hours before it got better. She was going to go from having the 2-pronged oxygen tube (like you and I get when we go in for surgery) to a c-pap mask which would concentrate the oxygen directly to her rather than allow some of it to escape out. He also said he doubted it but that she may end up with a tube down her throat if necessary.
As you an imagine, I started crying, but tried to contain myself in front of the doctor. My mind was racing wondering what I had done wrong to cause her to have to be born early and what I had done that caused her lungs not to be fully developed. It was an awful feeling. He reassured me that she was going to be just fine, she just needed time to work things out. In fact, she needed so much time that he would "be surprised if she came home before her due date!" Ok, wow, that meant she was going to be in the NICU for 5 weeks, or until at least May 15th!
He left and Scott kicked into super husband mode as I had a complete and all out meltdown like never before in my life! I scooted over in the bed and he laid down next to me and let me cry on his shoulder. He was so strong for me! I cried and cried and he just kept saying it's going to be ok. "Remember Captain (my nickname), I was born at 29 weeks and I'm here by you today. She's got 7 extra weeks on me and she's made of you and me, she is going to fight this and be home in no time!" I don't think those were his exact words, but it's pretty close. I told him how what was going on in my mind (like I posted above) and how I wondered what I had done wrong. So he said it...
"Cass, she needs to be 40 weeks to be fully developed. She couldn't make it the next 5 weeks in your tummy, so she came to be with us here on earth and she will just spend the next 5 weeks in the NICU finishing her development! I promise she is going to be ok!"
That was all I needed to hear, that he to believed in me and that I hadn't done anything to harm our daughter. So, everytime I called a family member or told a friend what was going on I just told them, She had to fully develop somewhere and she chose to do it here in the NICU instead of my belly! It became my way of coping! It was perfect!
So, here she is developing in the NICU.
Reading this has brought back a lot of emotions for me... having a baby in the nicu is hard, and we are praying for your family. One of the toughest things for me was having to ask permission to do anything for MY son. I know the nurses took good care of him, just like they are doing for Evelyn, but it's hard to watch someone else doing the little things that a Mommy should be doing. Even if you aren't able to do those little things yet, remember that just being there with her IS important too, and she KNOWS who her Mommy is! And keep asking thoses nurses- I found that every nurse had a different opinion about what I could and couldn't do. Some would let me hold him as long as I wanted, some would limit it to 15 min at a time, some would let me do kangaroo care, some wouldn't, a few were a lot more lenient and I spent a lot of time in the NICU when they were on shift :) My favorite nurse would let me feed him, bathe him, weigh him, take his temp... she just stayed next to me and helped out when I needed her to. It never hurts to ask. I'm sure some of them were tired of me by the time Ezekiel came home! It's also hard when it seems like the progess is one step forward, two steps back. And when every doctor and nurse has a different guess at when you'll go home. Hang in there! She WILL be home with you soon!
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